President Donald Trump announced he was dropping Mike Pence from the ticket and adding a new running mate for the 2020 election. We go live now to the presidential press conference.
Press Secretary McEnany: Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States.
President Donald Trump: Thank you. Effective right now, I will have a new vice president running mate, VP for the election. Pence has done fine so far but we need a tough man to stand up to the attacks from Commie Kamala, Sleepy Joe Biden, Nasty Nancy Pelosi and the rest of the far-left radical Democrats.
My new running mate is Death.
Say hello, introduce yourself.
Death: Hello. I’m Death.
Trump: Man of few words. More of a doer than a talker. Watch it with that sharp thing, Death.
The policies of Death are close, really very close to what I’ve been doing to Make America Great Again. He’s excited about what we’ve accomplished in just a few years. So it just made sense to unleash Death as a big part of the Trump for President Campaign.
I’ve followed his advice on what to do about the COVID, the China Virus. Death’s numbers this year have been climbing really fast, he’s huge, we need him on the team. Trump-Death 2020. Just sounds right, sounds great.
Let’s take questions.
Reporter 1, CNN: This is a big surprise. Hello, uhh . . . Death. Mr. President, how did you decide to add Death to the ticket?
Trump: People won’t hear it from the fake news media like your channel, but Death has been a close confidante, advisor, we’ve been talking closely since the start of this year. He’s been present at all my campaign rallies since the start of the year. I introduced him to Herman Cain in Tulsa. Death was the one who said we were paying too much attention the virus, it would go away. He said leave the PPE and the policies to the states, which was right. He saw that we had to send the kids back to school, the economy, we need the kids in school.
People don’t realize, I talked to him even before that. I took his advice on what to do in Puerto Rico after the hurricane, great job. He said to separate the kids and their parents at the border — Death is a big part of the trip those awful criminals take to get here, and so he understands how they think. Cutting environmental regulations. Letting the food industry police itself. All ideas driven by Death.
We do disagree on a few things. I’m in favor of masks in public, he’s against them. But hey, I’m listening, may change my mind. Death is very persuasive.
You could say Death has been part of my administration from beginning. So why not put him out front?
Reporter 2, Time Magazine: Is he actually eligible to be vice president? We can check later, but was Death a natural-born US citizen?
Trump: Look, I’m not going to show his death certificate, er birth certificate. At this point, no one would argue that Death is really big in America. I can tell you that the parents of Death, Evil and Indifference, have been strongly known, set up in America for many decades. Strong Republicans, Americans, Republican values. So Death is qualified to be Vice President to Trump.
Reporter 3, Washington Post: Death hasn’t been in the public eye. What groups of voters do you think he will help you with?
Trump: Lots of voters. Lots. Death is very familiar to doctors, health care workers, especially this year. Teachers are thinking about Death. Parents, high school students, college students, too. Death is rising with the minorities, especially since the virus got here. These people know Death. They know Death doesn’t mess around. When they say their lives matter, it’s Death they’re thinking about. So yeah, Death will be a big presence with those groups.
Death is also big with business types. Death and the policies that Death is associated with are a big reason the stock market is up so strongly.
I also just heard we got an endorsement from the Morgue and Mortuary Workers Union because of this announcement. So new groups are backing us already.
Reporter 4, OANN: Thank you Mr. President. This is a bold move. Can you tell me how Death will help you campaign?
Trump: Death will be visible at the Republican convention. He’s doing events in some places including Los Angeles and Miami — he’ll knock ’em dead, if I can say that. And he’ll do the VP debate with Commie Kamala — I call it the Kamala Death Match. He’s a killer debater. Do your research. You’ll see what I saw. You can try to fend off Death, but in the end, Death always wins.
Reporter 5, Fox News: Does Death have any particular policies he’ll be pushing.
Trump: Death Tax. He’s against it.
Reporter 6, Wall Street Journal: Death, if Trump wins, will you run for President in 2024?
Death: I have plenty to do this year. The future will take care of itself.
Trump: Look, Death is a fine Number Two. Doesn’t like to be the center of attention, which I like. In fact, he’s sort of sneaky . . . sneaky, but in a good way.
But you’re fake news, fake news misses the point. The point is, Death is ready to take over. If I die, if I retire — which I won’t — if I get to the end of my term, whatever. Death understands what it takes to make America great again. He’s set up great to take over, take over for me. He’d make a great President. An America where Death is preeminent is what you can look forward to, eventually. That’s why he’s a key part of my team, and why he’s the right man — spirit? force? — right guy, right guy to be vice president.
Trump-Death 2020. Get used to it.