Thank you for contacting me. I’m always happy to hear from an old friend/colleague/friend of a colleague/colleague of a friend/perfect stranger.
I would be pleased to do whatever I can to help you. I am a generous person, that’s just how I roll.
To make this efficient, please fill out the following information.
Twitter handle _________
Recent photo (attach file <250 MB)
Link to a recent positive review of one of my books on Amazon: https://_________________
- How do we know each other? Check all that apply.
☐ I’m your brother/sister/child/wife/ex-wife, you idiot.
☐ I’m your client. I’m paying you. And I’m getting annoyed at this.
☐ We worked together. Company name ___________. Dates __________.
Circle one: I enjoyed/tolerated/hated working with you.
☐ Referral from _________. They said you were (circle one): smart/competent/a loser with lots of connections
☐ I read your blog once.
☐ I follow you on Twitter.
☐ We had an affair on (enter dates) ____________ and I’ll expose it unless you help me.
☐ None of the above. I’m just shameless.
- What sort of help are you looking for? Check all that apply.
☐ Tell me everything you know about books and publishing in 15 minutes. (Requires amphetamines or Ritalin.)
☐ Please spend the next year as my coauthor on my book idea that you never heard of before today.
☐ Can I pick your brain? (That’s a disgusting metaphor, by the way.)
☐ I want to contribute to your blog. (Read this, then douse yourself in week-old compost and send photo.)
☐ Please provide a blurb for my book. Is book manuscript available? Circle one: Yes/Soon/It isn’t written yet.
☐ Please appear on my podcast about (choose one): books/social media/podcasting/craft beers/Dr. Who cosplay
☐ Request for free editing. (Note: pinch self; if dreaming, please awaken before completing form.)
☐ Can you introduce me to . . . (choose one): Malcolm Gladwell/Daniel Pink/Jeff Bezos/Elon Musk/God
☐ Please forward my book proposal to your agent without reading it.
☐ Can you refer me to . . . (circle one): cover designer/book marketer/editor who works cheaper than you
☐ Do you know anyone at . . . (circle one): Forrester Research/Microsoft/Salesforce/Some obscure startup (specify)_________
- When was the last time we spoke?
☐ 2020 or 2021
☐ 1980 – 2000
☐ High school
- Please choose one of the following.
☐ This is my first request.
☐ You’ve helped me before, and it worked out well.
☐ This is my third request, and I have never followed up to tell you what happened the other times.
- Did my ex-wife put you up to this? Yes/No.
- Desired timeframe for response:
☐ 30 seconds.
☐ End of day today.
☐ This week.
☐ How about never–is never good for you?
Thank you for your inquiry. Your request is important to us. Please continue to hold. The next available representative will respond shortly.