Of course I’d be happy to help you. Please fill out this form.

Continued">

Thank you for contacting me. I’m always happy to hear from an old friend/colleague/friend of a colleague/colleague of a friend/perfect stranger.

I would be pleased to do whatever I can to help you. I am a generous person, that’s just how I roll.

To make this efficient, please fill out the following information.

Name ____________
Email _____________
Phone ____________
Twitter handle _________
Recent photo (attach file <250 MB)
Link to a recent positive review of one of my books on Amazon: https://_________________

  • How do we know each other? Check all that apply.
    ☐ I’m your brother/sister/child/wife/ex-wife, you idiot.
    ☐ I’m your client. I’m paying you. And I’m getting annoyed at this.
    ☐ We worked together. Company name ___________. Dates __________.
    Circle one: I enjoyed/tolerated/hated working with you.
    ☐ Referral from _________. They said you were (circle one): smart/competent/a loser with lots of connections
    ☐ I read your blog once.
    ☐ I follow you on Twitter.
    ☐ We had an affair on (enter dates) ____________ and I’ll expose it unless you help me.
    ☐ None of the above. I’m just shameless.
  • What sort of help are you looking for? Check all that apply.
    ☐ Tell me everything you know about books and publishing in 15 minutes. (Requires amphetamines or Ritalin.)
    ☐ Please spend the next year as my coauthor on my book idea that you never heard of before today.
    ☐ Can I pick your brain? (That’s a disgusting metaphor, by the way.)
    ☐ I want to contribute to your blog. (Read this, then douse yourself in week-old compost and send photo.)
    ☐ Please provide a blurb for my book. Is book manuscript available? Circle one: Yes/Soon/It isn’t written yet.
    ☐ Please appear on my podcast about (choose one): books/social media/podcasting/craft beers/Dr. Who cosplay
    ☐ Request for free editing. (Note: pinch self; if dreaming, please awaken before completing form.)
    ☐ Can you introduce me to . . . (choose one): Malcolm Gladwell/Daniel Pink/Jeff Bezos/Elon Musk/God
    ☐ Please forward my book proposal to your agent without reading it.
    ☐ Can you refer me to . . . (circle one): cover designer/book marketer/editor who works cheaper than you
    ☐ Do you know anyone at . . . (circle one): Forrester Research/Microsoft/Salesforce/Some obscure startup (specify)_________
  • When was the last time we spoke?
    ☐ 2020 or 2021
    ☐ 2010s
    ☐ 1980 – 2000
    ☐ High school
    ☐ Never
  • Please choose one of the following.
    ☐ This is my first request.
    ☐ You’ve helped me before, and it worked out well.
    ☐ This is my third request, and I have never followed up to tell you what happened the other times.
  • Did my ex-wife put you up to this? Yes/No.
  • Desired timeframe for response:
    ☐ 30 seconds.
    ☐ End of day today.
    ☐ This week.
    ☐ How about never–is never good for you?

Thank you for your inquiry. Your request is important to us. Please continue to hold. The next available representative will respond shortly.

6 responses to “Of course I’d be happy to help you. Please fill out this form.

  1. I’m checking the “We had an affair” box but I can’t remember the exact dates. Will you still respond in 30 seconds?

  2. Met someone at a conference. We also shared birthplace and work background. We connected on LinkedIn after an interesting discussion. Person said we should connect some time. I reached out via LinkedIn message a few days later, and get a link back to that person’s Calendly scheduler!

    Strange!

    1. That’s why I’m torn about the whole Calendly thing. On the one hand, for the person who sent you the link, it makes their scheduling more efficient. What’s happening at 10am? Oh, I have a conversation with Bob. And for business conversations it feels very apropo. But in cases like this it feels impersonal and offputting. So don’t take it personally.

      1. Joel Right. It was very impersonal response to a personal connection. I’d understand if it was about business and that was the nature of our initial connection – Calendly would be perfect.

        This is a person who provides consulting to others on using social media. So, surprise, and disappointment is my reaction. I never did “book” our casual conversation.

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