News reports suggest that President Trump is interested in purchasing the island of Greenland which is currently a possession of Denmark. We join the President at his first campaign rally in Nuuk Stadium, capacity 2,000, a football stadium in Greenland’s largest city.
Wow. What a warm welcome!
Not an empty seat in the house. Seems like half the population of Greenland is in here.
Damn it’s cold. No global warming here, I see!
My gosh, I’ve never seen so many white people in one place.
Let’s talk. Let’s talk about what’s going to happen when Greenland becomes the biggest, most beautiful part of America.
First thing we gotta fix is the maps. You guys are getting the shaft!
Can we get a picture up here? Here’s what the lefty liberals are showing on CNN.
Puny. Puny! And here’s what Greenland really looks like!
That’s what I mean. You guys are huge. Huge. Like, big as South America. But much whiter. Greenland is great. And we’re going to make it great again.
Did you know that Greenland is set to be the biggest state in America? Bigger than Alaska, where my good friend Sarah Palin lives. You’ll be the biggest place in America.
Yeah, even if a little ice melts around the edges, you’re still gonna be the biggest.
Here’s what I’m going to do for you once Greenland is part of the USA, under President Donald Trump.
First off, we’re going to build. Build! There is so much unused real estate here.
I know building. I build lots of things. They all say TRUMP in big letters on the top.
So we’re going to build. Casinos. Golf courses — you got the land for it. A bigger football stadium, this one’s kinda small. An NFL team — The Greenland Greats. Damn, that sounds great, doesn’t it? If they can play in Green Bay, they can play here.
I found out there’s no good place to get a hamburger here. Gotta fix that. No more blubber-burgers for you.
And roads. I heard that there’s no roads in Greenland. No roads! What an opportunity. You guys are gettin’ around in dog sleds. That’s neglect by the damn Danes, that is. They’re holding you back. We’re gonna build roads and get you guys some cars. And pickup trucks. Driving around Greenland, doesn’t that sound better than dog sleds?!
Think what all those roads will do for the economy here!
Let’s talk about guns. Because you guys are leaders in that area.
There are 13,000 guns in Greenland. 13,000! Almost more guns than people! You’re a whole country full of good guys with a gun. So we’re gonna make Greenland a model for the rest of America. I want you to show those socialists how it’s done.
Now I know you’re not allowed to own pistols. And you’re not allowed to own semi-automatic rifles. That’s not freedom! And you’re lawful people, hardly anybody gets shot. Except for all the suicides. Those are a shame. But you deserve to have the guns you want.
OK, let’s talk about socialism.
Gee, that line usually gets a lot of boos. Well, anyway. . .
I know this is a socialist place. A 44% tax rate! That’s nuts. We’re gonna end that immediately. Cut it in half. In half!
You deserve to keep what you earn catching fish or guiding tourists up glaciers or shooting polar bears or whatever it is you do around here.
And speaking of socialism, we’re going to replace your health care. No more long waits for doctors. No more trekking to the hospital on snowshoes. I know your healthcare is free, but it sucks. We’re gonna pay the doctors, and you can pay a little more, too, once we cut that tax rate. The best doctors are gonna come here, because why not, it’s Greenland!
You know we have an air base here? It’s in Thule, way up at the top. The very top. Bombers, early nuclear warning, the whole thing. We’re gonna invest.
That’s right, invest in Greenland. My big beautiful American military is going to put American dollars right into Greenland, you’ll have the biggest airbase outside of the continental US.
Right after we build that long road to Thule.
Maybe put a casino up there too.
Now what’s the biggest threat to Greenland?
Outsiders, that’s what. You guys have been invaded more time than Mongolia!
It’s migrants coming here to take your jobs. Outsiders. Vikings. Icelanders. South Africans. Nigerians. Scots. Canadians.
Yeah, those Canadians know a good thing when they see it. And they’re coming to take your jobs and your beautiful Greenlander women. Ah, the women . . .
It’s like an invasion. And it has to stop. It has to stop now.
You know how you stop an invasion?
You build a wall. I’m doing it in America, and it’s working. And I’ll do it for you.
That’s right. With the help of my good friends in Russia, we’re going to build a big, beautiful wall right on your southern border. Dig down into that permafrost and just put up a barrier. That’ll stop those Canadians.
You’re gonna be bigger than Puerto Rico. Bigger than Guam. The biggest island in the world, part of the USA.
That’s making Greenland great again.
I’ll be back when this is America. Make Greenland Great Again! Make Greenland Great Again! Make Greenland Great Again!
(Waves, exits stage.)
(Off-mike): Dammit, Kellyanne, get me out of this icy shithole. Where’s Air Force One?