Donald Trump campaign to declare bankruptcy, sell assets

trump mocks reporter
Photo: KABC via Yahoo

In an unprecedented move in presidential politics, the campaign of Republican frontrunner Donald Trump is preparing to file for bankruptcy. Without Bullshit has gotten access to internal campaign documents that reveal a detailed plan to close the campaign, sell off its assets, and put an end to Trump’s involvement in politics.

In a not-yet-released interview with MSNBC’s Joe Scarborough, Trump explains his motivation:

We were winning huge; I have no doubt we would have won the nomination and beaten that corrupt liar Hillary in the general. But it’s a bad deal. I don’t make bad deals. I’ve looked at it 12 different ways — it turns out that while there’s power, there’s no profit in the presidency. You have to run everything by the Congress, and if you get out of line there’s the courts to deal with. You can’t just send troops to the Ukraine or Alabama whenever you want. Stupid, just stupid and wasteful. So I can’t put my name on that. I’m out of here, as soon as the New York primary is over. What a waste.

Look, I’ve used the bankruptcy laws in the past, it’s perfectly legal. Makes great sense when a business is no longer producing. We’ll end up ahead, frankly. This campaigning thing is for losers, it’s pretty clear. Just look at who’s doing it.

[tweetthis twitter_handles=”jbernoff”]This campaigning thing is for losers, frankly. Just look at who’s doing it. – D. Trump.[/tweetthis]

With his campaign in bankruptcy, Trump is free to sell its assets to other interested parties, and there has been plenty of interest.

The Ted Cruz campaign’s SuperPAC will reportedly purchase Trump’s xenophobic immigration policies, including the Mexico border wall and the ban on muslims entering the United States. According to an unnamed Cruz spokeswoman, “We’ve already copied Donald’s policies on immigration; now we can own the genuine article, which comes with panicked middle-class white voters attached.” The Trump campaign will retain some naming rights. “As it turns out,” the Cruz spokeswoman said, “the border wall is far more valuable with Trump’s name on it.”

Trump’s remaining policy positions attracted little interest. “Punish women for abortions” was rejected by both Democratic and Republican candidates, although former Pennsylvania senator Rick Santorum offered to pay a small amount for the rights to deploy it in future presidential campaigns. Without Trump’s brinksmanship attached, “Renegotiate trade agreements,” was valued very low. And “Raise taxes on the rich” was deemed worthless, as the Democrats in the race already had their own superior versions of it.

Enrique Peña Nieto, president of Mexico, had bid $1 million for the campaign’s remaining 476,000 “Make America Great Again” hats, which will be given to migrant Latin American farm laborers.

Trump was unable to sell off campaign manager Corey Lewandowski, currently facing charges of battery, or any other campaign officials. Trump’s ground game was valueless. While his massive delegate haul was the subject of intense interest, federal law prohibits commerce in delegate votes at a political convention. “They’ll pay off huge in priceless favors later,” Trump said in the leaked Scarborough interview.

Several campaigns showed avid interest in Trump’s ability to get any cable news show, anywhere, to allow him to call in and get airtime. Marco Rubio was preparing a bid until advisors reminded him that it was too late to do him any good. John Kasich had to outbid Bernie Sanders to snag it. However, according to CNN Commentator David Axlerod, “It probably has little long-term value for a candidate so boring.”

Bernie Sanders denied that he’d offered to buy Trump’s hairdo. “Bald and proud,” he said.

Finally, the Hillary Clinton campaign has strenuously denied rumors that her SuperPAC was willing to pay over $300 million to prop up the Trump campaign and avert the bankruptcy. “We love Trump as an opponent,” her spokesman said, “but we’d rather that the democratic process on the Republican side, such as it is, take its natural course.” At deadline, reporters were scouring the Panama Papers to determine whether or not Clinton’s campaign had shifted any covert funds to influence the outcome of Trump’s bankruptcy proceedings.

10 responses to “Donald Trump campaign to declare bankruptcy, sell assets

  1. I cant tell if this is a late April Fool’s joke or not. Which is actually the scariest thing of all.

  2. Just as we have Boxing Day after Christmas, Easter Monday after Easter, Josh has broken new ground by creating Fools Thursday!. Great way to break up the week,

  3. Drumpf’s explanation was too lucid and the sentences too long for that actually to be Drumpf’s comment. It almost made the Drumpfhole human…

    Good giggle nonetheless. 🙂

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