Good morning Mr. President.
Sure. My job this morning is to administer this cognitive test. Shouldn’t take more than about 15 minutes. Most people do fine on this. So let’s get started, shall we?
Great. I’m ready. Always ready. I see you’re wearing a mask. I hope that doesn’t mean you’re biased against me.
No bias — the test is completely objective. That means there’s no room for bias. Let’s start with an easy one to get you warmed up. In what year did the 1918 Spanish Flu pandemic begin?
Hmm. OK. Try this: What is the meaning of the slogan “Make America Great Again?”
Now we’re talking. Look, America used to be the most powerful nation in the world. Now immigrants and the Left are trying to make it weak. I made us strong and powerful with the strongest economy in the world. I am going to keep make us strong and powerful again. Strong before, strong again. It’s pretty simple, pretty powerful.
Now I’m going to name a collection of people. You need to tell me what all these people have in common. Jeff Sessions. John Bolton. James Mattis. Rick Perry. Rex Tillerson.
They’re all incompetent and disloyal, terrible people.
Let’s do a math problem. The US has 140,534 deaths from COVID-19, and Canada has 8,896. Which nation has the lowest mortality rate?
We have the lowest mortality rate.
Wait, you think 140,000 is less than 9,000?
You can’t trick me. There are a lot fewer people in Canada than in America.
Fair enough, if we look at deaths per 100,000 people from COVID, the US has 43 and Canada has 24. So which country has the lowest mortality rate?
We have the lowest mortality rate. That’s what they told me. And once we get control of the data, that will be a lot clearer.
Here’s another math problem. Which is worth more, 100 white people in rural Wisconsin, Florida, and Pennsylvania, or 100 black people in cities like New York, DC, and Seattle.
The white people.
The white lives matter and the black lives don’t?
You’re twisting my words. Twisting, twisting. You asked which mattered more. The black people are going to vote Democrat. That will never change. But the white people’s votes for president will get me elected in those states. So they matter more to me. I never said the black people don’t matter. Are you one of those fake news guys? I knew it!
Let’s try this. In three words or less, how would you describe this situation? A man requests a mail-in ballot from his state. He receives it. He writes down his vote, signs the ballot, and signs the seal on the envelope. He mails the envelope, and people from both parties collect the envelope with many others, open them, and count the votes.
Fraud? I didn’t say anything about anything fraudulent.
OK, I guess “potential fraud.” That still less than three words.
Now let’s try something simpler. It’s called a discrimination test. I’ll describe a person doing something, and you have to classify them as either a patriot or a traitor. Has to be one or the other.
I got it, patriot or traitor. Go.
An athlete kneels during the national anthem at an NFL football . . .
A bunch of people tear down a statue of a confederate general on a horse with his sword raised up.
Traitors. Destroying public property. Erasing history!
A man waves a confederate flag at a NASCAR event.
Patriot. First Amendment. He’s using the First Amendment, freedom of expression.
A bunch of people with guns swarm and occupy the state house of a state that mandated a lockdown.
Patriots. First and Second Amendment.
A bunch of people gather in cities with signs that say “Black Lives Matter” and “Defund the Police.“
Traitors. Obviously. How we gonna be safe without police?
Police spray them with with pepper spray and tear gas.
Patriots. Law and order.
A large social network blocks posts in support of the President and law and order.
Traitors. Free expression, again.
A confidante of a presidential candidate arranges the release of information harmful to his rival candidate, coordinating with an organization that unlawfully releases classified information and a foreign government.
Not sure, but sounds like a patriot to me. I’d have to see the tattoo on his back to be sure.
A doctor works 14-hour shifts in a hospital caring for coronavirus patients for a solid month, then records a viral video telling people to stay inside and wear masks, even if their governor says it’s safe not to.
Traitor. Who is he to ruin the economy in his state and contradict the governor?
An unmarked vehicle is filled with men without no identification on their uniforms who grab a protestor off the street.
Are these militias or government troops?
Well, still sounds like patriots to me.
A football team lets its quarterback go to another city after 20 winning seasons and six Super Bowl championships.
Definitely Patriots. Robert Kraft is a patriot, that’s for sure.
We’re done with patriots and traitors. Next question: name three unbiased news sources.
OANN, Breitbart. Those are two good ones. You want three. Umm. . . . InfoWars. There’s three. Three good ones.
OK, here’s a counting test. Start with 306. Then subtract the numbers I say; each number will come with the name of a state.
10 (for Wisconsin).
Three hundred six minus ten is . . . 296.
16 (for Michigan)
OK, that’s 280.
20 (for Pennsylvania)
Two eighty, minus twenty, 260. 260. Right!
11 (for Arizona)
Let’s see, 260, 250, that’s . . . 249! I’m good at this.
38 (for Texas)
I think we can stop this part now. I proved I can do this, don’t want to do any more. They love me in Texas, you know.
Final question: What is truth?
What is truth? That’s the question?
Yes. Just tell me how you decide if something is true.
Hmm. Well, it’s pretty simple. You start with a way to look at the world. It’s something you just learn. Takes a while, but eventually, you get a feel for what is true.
Then when you read or see something, if it goes along with what you know is true about the world, then it’s true. If it’s not, it’s obviously fake news.
I think that instinct — knowing what’s true — is what makes a great president. Don’t you?
Not up to me to judge. Well, that’s it, sir. We’re done.
That was easy. They should give this test to Sleepy Joe. Let’s see how he does with it.
They’re giving it to him right now, in a manner of speaking.
So how did I do?
You did just about what we expected. But that’s just a preliminary result.
Preliminary. What do you mean? When do I get the final result?
The final test comes later. Should be about three months from now. We’ll know the results in early November.
I can’t wait to see what happens.
You and a lot of other people, Mr. President. You and a lot of other people, too.